Softly…as I embrace the pillow, a thought came to me. I have been worrying, wailing, pleading, and praying for weeks for something to be settled. For days I sat alone in the darkness yet tonight an unhealthy peace is in the air. I feel totally confident, like a skilled knight about to kill a cornered barbarian. This isn’t me. This isn’t how I should be.
Of course, Christians are taught not to worry at certain struggles, not to fret at a failing moment. Does it mean that I should accommodate this confidence I am feeling right now? Christians are supposed to trust in the Lord at all times. So do I have to bother and let a doubting thought invade my spirit?
But why am I feeling awkward about this peace? Why am I trying to bring back the heavy, dark clouds above my head? Why do I feel like I’m heading back towards my fears when the bible tells us to cast all our burdens upon Him? Maybe a friend would tap my shoulder, playing the “more-mature-Christian-than-me” role and ask me, “Kit, don’t you trust in Jesus?”.
O-K-A-Y…Don’t you trust in Jesus? Do you pray for Him to take away a pain settling deep within your hearts? Have you ever experienced kneeling beside the sofa, looking up to somewhere called heaven, crying with pain yet shouting with praises while praying at night? I have. I always do that. And yes, I do trust in Jesus. But why am hoping that this confidence will fade away?
Trust, a part of our faith, is important. If I don’t have it, I’m worse than a kid throwing a coin in a well, wishing that someday his dreams would come true. It will be like throwing punches in the air. But what should be the reason of my confidence? Am I confident because of the Lord’s promises, or am I confident because a thought is instilled in my mind that my prayer, my desire, my “demand” will be answered right now. But Jesus did not promise a perfect life here on earth. He did not promise that now that I accepted Him in my life, I will suffer no more. Many Christians think that way: once you become a Christian, you shouldn’t be facing sufferings anymore. A Christian shouldn’t experience sickness anymore. Man is always hurting, and the total relief of that pain is available, and it’s available now! Or is it...?
Kung ganun pala, tapos eto pinagdadaanan ko, ibig sabihin sa pangalan lang pala ako matatawag na Christian?
But to tell you folks, perfect life is not available today. It is said in the bible that Christians will surely face sufferings. We will surely live a life of persecution, and it’s almost as uninviting as it sounds. So what should be the basis of my confidence? How should I trust?
That night, I prayed hard like always do, but this time, it’s a bit unusual. Begging to take away my confidence would seem like a silly prayer, an unwise lament for a broken ego. But I needed to. The confidence I am looking for should not be based on a “I prayed hard and by now, the Lord should be working at it ” notion. I should be confident not because I am expecting for a sure answer; an answer based on my terms and an answer that should be delivered right away. But the Lord is not a vending machine with an “insert prayer request here and select an answer you like” sign. But sadly, most people treat the Lord that way.
Maybe we should try to question ourselves. Why are we feeling confident with our prayers? What’s the basis of your trust in God? Is it because we are expecting for answers? For a quick relief for our pain? For an instant solution to our problems? What if the Lord chooses to be silent…What would happen to your hope? What would happen to your trust? What would happen to your faith…?
Surely I wasted that confidence, but it’s not what I’m looking for. It should not be my theory of trust. I should be confident because even if my prayers won’t be answered, I know that God will not leave me behind. Even if I suffer here on earth, I know that someday life will be perfect, not here no earth, but in heaven. My confidence and hope should be based on the that promise. The more I suffer, the more I trust in Him, the more I long for His return. My heart was created with desires, but I should not try to dig up my own well to fill up my thirst, I should not settle for anything less. I am hoping for that perfect life in His presence. That, I believe, should be the reason for my confidence and the basis of my trust…
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