Selfish Again

The same word. The same person. The first was said a year ago. The second was like a music to my heart.

I’ve known this person all my life. I had lived with her under one roof. The same middle names. The same blood. Family. Her school life I once envied.

Here she is again, calling me by that same word she once did about a year ago.

“Pastor!”

But this time, it wasn’t the same feeling. No, it’s extremely different that what it was before. The first time was just a plain joke; a stone thrown at a wall. I wasn’t affected. But this time, she said it because she really meant it. She called me by that name because she deeply knows the essence of that.

She’s a dear cousin. But I’ve seen her “wanderings” in this wicked world. I’ve seen her swaying back and forth. I’ve seen her waddle in this common see called life. But this time she’s totally different!

I always tell people that sometimes God brings people to a desert-like situations in life just let us learn how to depend on Him. He puts us into a circumstance where in there’s no oasis; nothing to do but kneel at His feet. But hers was literal! It’s a desert indeed!

When she went to Saudi Arabia to work there, God captivated her heart. God found her. She found herself resting in God’s arms. And it changed her. Her perceptions. Her views. Her mind. Her life. Her heart.

It really gave me encouragement; to see my cousin redirecting her life to God. At the same time I could not help but be humbled down. Here I am with a freedom to learn and so much freedom to worship the One I love, I still feel somewhat weak. Yet this woman who stayed in a country where Christians are persecuted, she’s so bold and aware and zealous and enthusiastic and passionate! Wow! She’s downright Christian already!!!

I cried to God, praying, wailing…Lord make me like her. Make my heart as passionate as hers. As fervent as her. I just want to be in a place where I could worship You all day, all night, no distractions, no whatsoever. God, I’m so blessed every time she tells me about her life back there!

And what was my attitude? Selfish again. As always. I want. Make me. I just. I could. I’m so. How shameful for me. I must thank God that I am here; in an open field where anything could happen. I must praise God that I am here; in a battle place against distractions and temptations, against deceptions and everything. In a place where He wants me to be. In a place where He will mold me. Where He will teach me. Where He will use me. Where He has called me.

Ate Che, thank you so much for your life. Your testimonies. Your encouragement. Your prayers. God touched my heart through you. God has been so good, always! Glory to God alone!!!